So many times I resolve to get to bed at a decent time, that I cannot make up for all my failures from the day in the night time.  And even worse so I make the next day worse from staying up late and frantically trying to make or do something that I should have been trying to do throughout the day.

The internet has been the worse culprit of my time sucks.  The powerful graphs seems to enslave me, I think if I can just get some more followers on my blog that somehow my financial situation will be better.  If I can just get more downloads of my apps or something anything that is a bar graph I just want it to move dramatically cause that means something.  Well in a small sense it does, and when I hit the ‘transition’ point of making these graphs move, maybe it will make everything better.

But for now brutal fact are that I have to make money for the family, the ‘real world’ that all the downers speak of IS my world until I hit that transition point.  And those graphs will not move from one epic night of blogging or programming (although I found a guy that started a blog 2 months ago and he has already had 20,000 views….).  I can feign that I will get my books written and those will make me some money, but really too much desperation really does not make good writing, at least not from me.

And then, of course, I need to feed my addiction that pacifies me and makes me feel better about myself…namely Starcraft II, and that is the worse thing to do if I ever want to be productive cause I always lose two or three games (I can almost never win against Protoss!) so I play until I win and then when I finally exit the game I feel gross about myself still.

A good friend of mine was reading my blog today and she said that I sounded frustrated, that was not what I was going for in the blog post, but I guess your true colors come out one way or another when you are writing.  Also I probably say a whole slue of things that only frustrated people say.

Oh confounding world that I live in! What a pain it is to get anything meaningful or purposeful accomplished!  When I want to rejoice in the little that I have done I am berated by all that I have not done!  I am then assaulted by all the sayings and blogs that say we should not be so focused on doing all the time and that being busy is not something that makes life better.  Well I agree I still think that my anguish comes from not being busy in the right ways, not doing things that produce income in the day, not doing things that produce leisure in the evenings, and hobby’s and interest torment me wither or not I do them!

I must be mentally ill or something, or disgusted with the mediocreness of existence that I just do not belong in this age or this world or town, country or what have you.  The fight in me is confused as to where to aim and is not patience enough to see what things I do that assault my common enemy, I can win for a short stint, but then I backslide with a vengeance, 1 step forward 17 steps back!

How this blog has survived is a wonder, how I got over 60 Android apps made and on the market is fluke, how I keep the job I am in for the longest I have ever held a job is a mystery to me and why I stay there is another enigma.  Why I don’t fall down to my knees and weep bitterly must be some kind of biological failure for my body does not do what it designed to do!

Is this not the sentiment of the blogging world as well?  I know for a fact that I am not the only one, we are a generation of people crying out for more, but the problem is us, we have to obtain that more, and all that we have learned and studied, and stuck our necks out for have not been fruitful.  I really think I need to make the “Suck it Up Princess” Android app and then use it extensively.  Surely I need to stop all these extra things that I do that I think will get me out of the mire and just focus on thing like my day job…but I know right now that it will not happen, I cannot help myself, I am not a 9-5 kind of person.

That will be the last post for this night, thanks everyone for listening to my peculiar rant.

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