I was washing dishes tonight at my second job thinking about how scary it is that I am not doing well at sales in my first job.  I am absolutely sick about it, and I really don’t want to have to face the boss.  It is not that he is gonna do anything terrible to me, I just have this weird mental deficiency that I think the world is going to end if something unpleasant happens.  I was washing dishes and I had to trick my freak out gland (not really a gland but some sort of parasite and has attached itself to my heart), that there was nothing to freak out about, I keep telling myself, “I’m not afraid, what’s the worse that can happen?  I’m not afraid.”  Then I realize that I really am terrified!

Why am I so fearful?  What is it that I am afraid of?  How is it that I can think that everything hinges on a single job?  When I am calmed down I can ask myself these questions, but if I let myself continue to ask more and more along these lines the freakout gland gets a rush of ‘freakosine’, swells up and makes my heart work ten times harder!

I am actually doing pretty well, I got a bunch more classes on computer programs to teach (a little stressful that I have to make the curriculum and then teach in front of a small group…), I have the money to get the MS Office suite that I need, and we are all caught up on bills for this month.  I am open and honest with my wife about what is going on and she (I am fairly sure) is open and honest with me about how she feels and what we can feasibly do with what we have.

I am assuming that a part of it is because I am sick and my throat has been in a lot of pain the last week, and now my ears are clogged with my genetic ‘stickier than most’ ear wax and everything seems like I am watching a boring movie that I have to pro actively participate in.  I was fairly excited about a marketing idea that I thought might turn the tables, but the boss is not for it at all, so that is a little stressful as well.

This is one of the reasons that I am so adamant about getting out of debt, so that the parasite on my heart may be removed once and for all!  Then I can say with confidence that “I am not afraid!”   I think I will try and find some scriptures on this matter, I am sure there are some good ones!

Advertisements